Adoption has been a paradox for me. On the one hand, there is the thrill of knowing that you are going to be adding precious little ones to your family. On the other hand is the loss that must occur for that to happen.
As I waited for the birth of our sons my emotions were in constant conflict. While I was excited and could not wait to be a mother and have my babies at home with me to love and hold, I knew that our birthmom, Sarah*, was facing what could possibly be the biggest loss in her life. She would not be taking her sons home to hold and kiss. She was choosing for us to raise her babies. She wouldn’t be there for their first smile, their first teeth, their first steps. She was giving up so much so that her sons could have more than she was able to give them. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
Two days after the boys were born, my husband and I drove to the hospital to visit with Sarah and to meet the babies. I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t eat anything because my stomach was in huge knots. My hands were shaking.
We had met with the boys’ first mom twice before this and we had felt very comfortable with her. But in those visits, the reality hadn’t yet set in. On this day, we were going to be visiting with her and then meeting our babies. Her babies. My babies. What do you say to the woman who is entrusting you to raise her sons?
Maybe I should have been more excited. Maybe I should have been thinking about the babies more. To be honest, all I could think about was how she must be feeling. I was filled with such compassion for her. How could I, the person who was taking her babies, comfort her at this time? I couldn’t.
Shaking and sick to my stomach, we made our way, with our adoption case worker, to Sarah’s room. It was the longest walk I’ve ever taken. Yet, as soon as I stepped into the room, all my nervousness, sadness, and fears melted away. It was instant. We looked at each other and everything was ok.
I found out later that Sarah was having a hard time dealing with it all that day, as one can imagine, but as soon as we walked into the room she felt instantly better, too. She said that she was comforted knowing that we were there and we were going to love her babies and take care of them.
I had been so nervous about seeing her that day, but we both found great comfort in being with each other.
Since the birth of the boys we have enjoyed communicating with their first mom. We send printed pictures, through the adoption agency, every month. We send her pictures and keep her up-to-date on the boys’ doctor’s visits and developmental steps through e-mail. Recently, we had our first visit with her since the boys were born.
We arranged to meet at a restaurant near where she lives. We were all so excited to see each other again! It was amazing to see her loving on the boys and enjoying the time she had with them. The boys are still too young to know what is going on, but they enjoyed having someone make a big deal over them.
I don’t know how all of this will unfold in the years to come, but I do know that, for our family, an open adoption was the right choice. It may not always be easy, there will be sacrifices to be made for all of us, but it is worth it for our boys to have a relationship with their first mom.
*Real name not used to protect her privacy.
Jenn is married to Rufus, who was adopted as a baby, and is a full-time mom to five month old twin boys who joined their family by adoption. Jenn & Rufus are excited to be involved in an open adoption with the boys’ first mom.
