"Them Both Good" is something we say quite a bit around here. It stems back many, many Thanksgivings ago. The whole family was gathered around, eating and talking. My brother looked at the bread on his plate and contemplated it for a while. Then oddly enough, he stood up and reached into his pocket, pulling out two single serving packets of jelly - one strawberry and one blackberry. The rest of us looked around at each other quizzically, trying to figure out why someone would carry emergency jelly in their pocket. (I mean, really. Who carries around their own jelly!?) My brother looked back and forth between those jellies a few times and couldn't make up his mind about which one to put on his bread. Finally, as the ever consummate country boy, he said, "Strawberry? Blackberry? I don't know. Them both good!" (In case you need further evidence that we are totally from Kentucky - whoop, there it is.)
We all died laughing. The situation and his verbiage were so outlandishly comical, that the phrase, "Them both good" has stuck in our family for years. Bacon or sausage? Doesn't matter - them both good. Do you wish we were having a boy or a girl? Who cares?! Them both good! Wanna go on vacation to Florida or Mexico? THEM BOTH GOOD!
But, I think the situation that this phrase applies to the best is the great debate over international vs. domestic adoption. I always see the two being pitted against one another like it's some kind of celebrity death match. Even in the adoption community (or perhaps especially in the adoption community), it seems that families feel that their child's country of origin is the most "noble". It drives me nuts. I find that in adoption, there is often a hierarchy. "Desirable" children on top (healthy white or Asian babies) and less desirable babies on the bottom (sick black babies or special needs children from any country). Or that hierarchy flips on it's head when people become elitist talking about need. Their child was the most in "need" of adoption - thereby moving those sick black babies to the top of The List and the babies for whom parents have spent years on a waiting list are moved to the bottom of The List. But seriously - why do we do this? As an adoption community, why can't we all support one another and recognize that each family needs to find the best fit for THEM?
People outside the adoption world often don't understand why someone would adopt internationally instead of adopting "our own" children (i.e. American children). I've heard families (myself included) who have chosen international adoption say that at least in America there is a system to support those children. There is a foundation in place to make sure that children are fed, have access to schools, etc. While some argue that children in third world countries would often face death or starvation in an orphanage if they were not adopted. I'm disgusted that I ever heard myself utter those words. At the root of adoption, families are created. It doesn't matter where the child is from. It doesn't matter whether the child had an opportunity to go to school or not. It doesn't matter whether the child has access to the free or reduced lunch program or not. It simply doesn't matter. Just because a child has the opportunity to go to school, does not mean that the fundamental need to be a part of a family goes away. Essentially, what I am trying to say is that this hierarchy, The List, is ridiculous. All of these children deserve a FAMILY.
At the root of it all, does it matter where your child came from or how long you wait on a list as long as the end result is that a child is placed in a family and that family has the child they've waited to love? Does the child adopted as a result of someone waiting years for him deserve a family any less than one whose adoption was completed in a matter of months? Absolutely not.
There are huge drawbacks and positives to both international and domestic adoption. Our family chose international adoption because it was right for us at the time, not because we felt that some children are more or less deserving or because the need was greater or lesser than X country. We made a personal choice to do what felt right for our family. Another family may make a different choice and that's okay, too. As an adoption community, we need to stop judging each other based on where our children came from, how much our adoptions cost or how long we had to wait to get that child. Every child DESERVES a family to love them. Period. No matter where they live or what opportunities they do or do not have.
So let's just call a truce, okay? In the great debate over international vs. domestic adoption, let's just agree that THEM BOTH GOOD.
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Megan Terry is a wacky mom writing for her survival at Millions of Miles. She's a mom to three wild and crazy blessing through birth and adoption. They are a giant mix of special needs and good times. Megan writes about it all - the good, the bad, the smelly and the downright hilarious.
