The Holiday season means parties, guests, and in-laws….which also means expecting our kids not to jump all over the furniture, say bad words, or throw temper tantrums on the floor.
But for many modern-day families, the art of manners seems archaic and unnecessary. This is unfortunate. As Horace Mann said, “Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.” In centuries past, families understood this relationship and worked diligently to teach what were called the “social graces.” Teaching manners was important because of the close relationship it shared with morality. Societies of old recognized that a culture without manners is a culture in a downward spiral of moral decline.
Manners are also important in developing confidence in children. When a child is put in a new situation or expected to act a certain way, he will not be knocked off-guard because he knows how to deal with it. Children are pleased when adults react kindly to their charm and courtesy. Think of the child who holds a door open for someone and their pleased response when that person says, “Thank you, sir!” or “Thank you, little lady!” It brings a smile to your child's face.
So to whom does the task of teaching manners fall to? Although there was a time when children (especially girls) took a mandatory home-making class in school, this concept became thought of as out-dated and even chauvinistic. And parents now need to take full responsibility for teaching their children social graces. While children with special needs may require a modified version of these rules, in general, most children should learn these rules and know how to apply them. As our second president, John Adams, once said, “The foundations of national Morality must be laid in private Families. In vain are Schools, Academics and Universities if loose Principles and licentious habits are impressed upon children in their earliest years. The Mothers are the earliest and most important Instructors of youth.” What a task we have ahead of us, moms!
What manners should we expect of our children?
- Bodily Self-control. First, teach your children to learn self-control with their bodies. This means no jumping or running all over the place, especially in other people’s homes or in public. They should learn that there is a time and a place to be hyper and a time and place to sit still. This is a reasonable request (yes, even for boys!). It just requires parents taking the time and energy to train them to act appropriately.
Bodily self-control also means learning to refrain from certain bodily functions, such as intentionally burping or passing gas, when around other people, and excusing themselves when they must. It is not funny, nor is it something to be “praised.” It only makes your child think that it is acceptable…and imagine if they are one day in an important job interview and let out a huge belch!
Your children should also learn that they should not pull you or try to control your body in any way. For example, if you are speaking with an adult, do not let your child tug on your arm and try to stop the conversation. They can hold your hand and wait for you to finish.
- Table Manners. Second, children should learn basic table manners. This means knowing how to set a table, put a napkin on their lap, and chew with their mouths closed. It also means not talking with food in their mouths, gobbling or eating too fast, wiping their mouths or hands on their clothing, nor performing any personal grooming (such as brushing hair or picking teeth).
- Please and Thank You. It is in children’s nature to be selfish, and by requiring them to say “Please” and “Thank you” you are teaching them gratitude. Review common graces, such as asking to get down from the table, taking turns with a toy, waiting their turn in conversation, and making eye contact. If they are rude to someone, have them apologize and correct their bad behavior.
- Making Conversation. Conversation does not come naturally to children. They need to be taught how to carry a conversation so that when they are adults, they can more easily make friends, meet new people, and participate in social gatherings. Teach your child to introduce himself and his friends, shake hands, and ask questions. Help your child carry a conversation by teaching her appropriate responses. For example, if someone asks your daughter what her favorite meal is, and she replies “Lasagna,” teach her that a better response would be, “I love my mom’s lasagna…what’s your favorite meal?”
- Model Manners. And finally, we must not forget to model morality and manners in our own lives. Treat your friends, family, spouse, and children with respect, and your children will do the same. As the late dancer Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”
