Can you imagine your child’s life without friends? Millions of children struggle with this every day of their lives simply because they have a special need or disability. It is a lonely and heart-wrenching place for the child and their parents when the world seems to pass them by with no interest in understanding what goes on inside their family. Most of the time it would be easier to keep the child home – Tommy won’t throw a tantrum at home, Amy won’t have an allergic reaction at home, we won’t have to hassle with Jarod’s wheelchair at home, Emily won’t embarrass me by biting another child…at home. However, most parents of special needs children know that this is not the best solution. For all children, the need for social interaction is easy to understand. We all have a human desire to feel connected to other people. It is imperative that all children learn to navigate social interactions but even more so for the child with special needs as their exposure to other children can be severely limited by their disability whether physical or mental. Children with disorders such as autism and Asperger’s Syndrome, especially, have little or no ability to pick up on social or emotional queues, a vital foundational skill for success in life, making this interaction all the more crucial.
If you are the mother of a child without special needs the idea of including your child’s special needs classmate or friend, whether they are autistic, have cerebral palsy or Down’s Syndrome, into social activities with your kids can be intimidating, to say the least. We can feel ill-equipped to help the child or that our home isn’t set up for a child with special needs or that we don’t have the right food but it’s this kind of unfounded fear that keeps a family with special needs isolated. My friend Stephanie, the mother of a son with Asperger’s, shared that she never once had another parent initiate a social event with her son who is now a teenager. She reflected, matter-of-factly, that it became wearisome time and again being the instigator for her son’s meetings with other kids. When I asked her what she would like to tell other moms about planning events with the special needs kid in mind, she quickly replied, “It’s just not as big of a deal as you think it is. Keep your expectations reasonable; just be flexible.” With honest and open conversation about the child’s needs and some thoughtful planning and coordination we can include special needs children into our lives and begin to build bridges of connection with other moms, moms who could use a friendly face and an out-stretched hand.
So, where do you start? You’ve identified special needs kids who interact with your child on a regular or semi-regular basis whether it’s at school, preschool, the park or church and you’re considering a playdate with them. Pick up the phone and call the mother. It might not seem like much but the simple act of thinking about and being willing to include her child will mean more to that mother than she may express. If she turns you down, don’t be offended. Gently ask again. She may feel intimidated herself and need your reassurance that this isn’t a token gesture; you are genuinely interested in including them. You have no idea what might be going on in their home but I can guarantee you that regardless of her answer she will appreciate the thought. If she says yes, then it is important to ask some probing questions in an effort to make the event go as smoothly as possible. Stephanie assures me that it’s okay to ask the uncomfortable questions, “Chances are they’ve already been asked.” Natalie Edwards, a former Junior Consultant and Lead Verbal Behavior Therapist specializing in autistic children, suggests a few things to think about and discuss with the child’s parent in planning an event involving a special needs child, whether physically, mentally or learning disabled:
· What are the child’s physical limitations? This will help to determine the venue for the event.
· Keep it short. Special needs children can become easily tired and overwhelmed.
· Does the special needs child have trouble communicating? If so, is there an alternate form of communication that the child without special needs can practice before the playdate?
· Ask the mother which activities interest the special needs child or if there are any activities on which they are working in their class or therapy sessions. Try to incorporate these activities into the playdate.
· Are their any food allergies? Try to provide the foods that the child is able to eat. This could relieve a lot of stress from a mother who may have trouble just getting out the door.
· Schedule the time with planned, structured activities. Special needs children need specific direction. Free-play is often not beneficial for children with certain special needs.
· If your child has a competitive spirit then steer clear of games involving a lot of competition. This will help to avoid frustrating the special needs child.
· Unless the child is specifically working on this skill, it is best to avoid games that require taking turns. Children with mental special needs quickly become bored and often do not understand games that require taking turns.
· Allow the child without special needs to lead the play.
· Allow the playdate or social occasion to be child-directed. This helps the special needs child to learn appropriate peer interaction. If it becomes necessary for some intervention, an adult should give instruction to the children on how to navigate the situation and then allow them to work it out between them.
· Remember, this social event may require a lot of patience on your part. The child with special needs often requires repeated instruction, more so than a child without special needs.
· It is important to always have an adult present with the children. This is not the playdate where the moms drink coffee in the kitchen while the kids run off to another room.
· Provide the mom of the special needs child with any important house rules in advance. She can then begin to go over them with her child well in advance of the playdate or social event.
· Ask the mother if there are any medical considerations of which you should be aware. For example, many children with autism are prone to seizures. If this is the case, it would be helpful for you to warn your child in advance so that he or she is not frightened and knows how to handle the situation.
· If you are inviting a special needs child to your child’s party, be willing to invite a parent or helper. It is unreasonable to expect a parent to drop-off a special needs child for a party. Expect to pay for a parent or helper’s food or admission and understand that you may need to make special arrangements (food allergies, special exceptions for the helper or parent to assist this child, etc.) if you are having the party at a venue outside of your home. Be prepared for and do not be offended if the special needs child must step out for while or leave the party early. Social situations can be overwhelming to a special needs child.
These considerations may seem daunting but with this list in hand and a frank conversation with the mom of the special needs child you’ll be a pro at hosting these children in no time. We can make a thousand excuses about why we could never host a social event with a special needs child but in the end it’s important to ask ourselves how we would want someone to treat us if our child had a special need. Let’s help these moms and their kids step out of isolation and let them know that they are not invisible to us.
A Note to Moms of Special Needs Kids – It may be tiresome but please be patient with the moms of kids without special needs who make an attempt at reaching out to you and your child. There are often uneducated and intrusive questions or assumptions that will need to be answered with grace and forgiveness. It’s a learning process for all of us moms and kids!
Reaching out
As moms we need to teach our children to be loving of others. Lead by example, even if its just saying high to a child in a wheel chair in the mall.