We’ve all had those moments where we’ve thought, "I’m just a really bad parent." Maybe the thought occurred after you’d asked your kids eight times to come inside and yet they apparently didn’t "hear" you. Or maybe it happened when your two year old threw a fit in the store because you said she couldn’t have the toy—and you gave it back just so she’d stop crying.
There are a few things every parents recognizes as important in child-rearing. Things like consistency, patience and building a strong relationship. Over the next few months, we will be positing a number of articles relating to "parenting." Although there might be different perspectives and methods regarding each aspect, some threads of parenting remain steadfast—regardless of culture, age, or a preference. Please feel free to give us feedback and share from your experience!
Today’s topic is CONSISTENCY.
When I was a teenager, I babysat frequently. I remember observing parents and being very annoyed at how often they would say one thing, but then do another. For example, they might tell their one year old, "Don’t touch!" but then ignore him/her when the item was grabbed. Or they would tell their four year old, "We’re leaving in two minutes" but then they’d stay for another half hour. Or they would reprimand their eleven year old for playing too many video games, but they wouldn’t actually make him turn it off.
And then I became a parent. And make the same mistakes.
How do we achieve consistency in raising our children? How do we teach them to listen the first time and right away? There are three important keys to consistency that we will address: Speaking Carefully, Boundaries, and Consequences.
Think Before you Speak
We all know the saying "No means No." Children need to learn that what we say is what we mean. For example, if you’re going to threaten your daughter with not going to her friend’s house if her room isn’t picked up, make sure that you are ready to have her home the whole day if she doesn’t follow through on her end. But if you really want her to get out of the house, then think of a different consequence you’re more likely to be consistent with—such as a limitation on the computer or tv, for example.
By intentionally saying what we mean and sticking to it, we are teaching our children that words matter. It also teaches them responsibility as they learn exactly what we expect of them. How many times should you have to ask your child to do something? Only once! If you have to repeat yourself, then you’re teaching them that your words don’t matter. As adults, if I asked you do help me do something, you would respond immediately—not wait for me to ask you two or three more times. Why should our children learn to respond any differently?
Boundaries
Research has shown that boundaries actually make children feel safe and help them flourish. So often, however, we end up pushing those boundaries back…because we’re tired, or because they’ve had a long day, or because they really are a good kid, or any number of excuses we come up with just because we’re feeling lazy.
But if you first push back on the rules you have in place, expect your child to do the same. For example, if you’ve told your child that he’s only allowed one tv show in the morning, but then you’re busy on the computer one morning and let him watch two or three shows, be prepared that the next morning, he will probably whine and protest when you ask him to shut it off after the first episode is over.
Set appropriate boundaries and stick to them—regardless of how you or your child are feeling. And if you do make a mistake and bend the rules, apologize to your child. Explain that you weren’t helping them learn responsibility and that you set rules because you love them.
Consequences
A friend of mine tells a story about a time when she was she was interviewing for a nanny job. As she and the mother were talking, the little girl ran out into the street, far away from her mother and refused to come back. When the mom finally corralled her back to the house, rather than disciplining her for this atrocious behavior, the mother was apparently just so relieved to have her back that when they walked in the door she asked her daughter, "Do you want a cookie?"
Appropriate consequences need to be in place if your child is going to learn anything. Positive reinforcement if they’ve done something well, and negative consequences if they’ve gone outside the boundaries in place. One example of positive reinforcement might be a word of encouragement, such as "You worked really hard on that picture and it shows." Or "Thank you for sharing with your sister—you’ve made me very proud." Another example might be a surprise reward. At our house, we have "prize box" that our daughters can choose from if we catch them doing something good, such as cleaning up their rooms without being asked.
Negative consequences can be very diverse, depending on your parenting style. A very common approach, however, is the use of "time-out," where you place your child in a spot away from the rest of the family for about a minute per age of the child.
The basic key to being a consistent parent is to have a plan and stick to it. Regardless of the age of your children, make sure you have appropriate boundaries and consequences for when they push back on those limits. By showing your children that you say what you mean and mean what you say, you will both enjoy the benefits of consistency.
Shannon is a youth pastor's wife and full-time mommy to two sweet girls. In addition to writing for ATFM, she teaches piano, writes for her own blog (Key MOMents) and volunteers at church and in the community.
