In our last article regarding Parenting (click here if you missed it!), we discussed CONSISTENCY and its three crucial elements: speaking carefully, setting boundaries, and maintaining consequences. Today’s topic is DISCIPLINE.
For many people, the word "discipline" triggers negative emotions or unpleasant thoughts. However, regarding parenting, we need to remember that discipline is actually a positive concept. Without discipline, our children couldn’t understand the value of hard work, such as practicing an instrument or training for a sports activity. Without discipline, they wouldn’t learn the importance of limiting self-indulgence, for example, with junk food or video games.
Our goal for our children should be for them to be self-disciplined. This means that they are intrinsically motivated to do what’s right or what’s expected of them, without worrying about negative consequences or expecting positive rewards. However, because infants are not born with this internal desire to do what’s right, it is our job as parents to teach it to them.
There are three important aspects of discipline which we will touch on in this article: Instruction, Recognizing Error, and Fixing Error (or "Re-do").
Instruction
You cannot expect a child to automatically know what’s expected of him. For example, your one-year-old does not instinctually know that she’s not allowed to play in the toilet water. (It looks like such fun, after all!) The first time you catch her playing in it and tell her "No touching the potty!" is her first lesson in toilet etiquette. Similarly, your new-to-kindergarten child needs to be told that homework needs to be completed before he watches his favorite t.v. show. You cannot require a child to obey a rule he/she didn’t even know existed!
Once you’ve explained a rule, it is reasonable to expect obedience. Depending on the age and maturity of the child, however, there may need to be a restatement of the rules. For example, you may have to remind your toddler at every meal (and every snack!) that he can only eat in the kitchen. But by the time your child is three or four, they should be expected to remember that rule.
We must be careful to discipline only for true disobedience—and to show grace for simple childhood immaturity. Let’s say your twelve year old knows he is supposed to take out the trash, and he faithfully does it without being asked. But one day you notice that the trash is spilling over the sides of the garbage can. It would be unwise to march into his room and start berating him for his negligence. Instead, a simple reminder should suffice. If that reminder goes without a response, however, and the trash is still sitting there an hour or two later, then a negative consequence should be in order. Similarly, if your toddler gets a reminder to "not touch" the tv, but then looks at you in defiance and touches it anyway—that is true disobedience and should be addressed.
Recognizing Error
Once you’re certain that your children understand what’s expected of them, the next step is to help them recognize when they’ve missed the mark. So when your daughter knows that it’s unacceptable to raise her voice to you, but does so in a fit of anger, you should calmly say to her, "You are raising your voice to me, which is not how we speak in our home." Sometimes, children have a difficult time seeing their own error, and as parents, it’s our privilege to lovingly point it out to them.
Fixing Error (Re-do!)
One important step that is frequently neglected in the discipline process is the practice of the "Re-do." After explaining expectations and showing our child what they’ve done wrong, we will often simply dole out a consequence and leave it at that. But giving a child a spanking or placing him in time-out simply isn’t enough. It’s vital that we follow-up that punishment with an explanation of what he has done wrong and how to change it.
It can sometimes be easier to tell our children what they shouldn’t do than to show them how they should do it. Let me illustrate it with a common situation. Let’s say your daughter is playing with a friend. Her friend takes a toy from her and your child responds by hitting and taking the toy back. A "typical" parental response might be "Don’t hit!" And while this reprimand is important, it isn’t enough. All she has learned is that hitting is wrong. She hasn’t learned WHY it’s wrong or WHAT do to instead!
It’s important that I dig into her heart and give her the opportunity for a "re-do." I might say something like "Was what you did kind to your friend? (no) In our family, we respond in kindness, even if others are not kind to us." I would then guide her in the correct response, which might be something like, "I wasn’t done with that toy. May I please have it back? When I’m finished I’ll let you play with it." By having her go back and do it the right way, I am helping her learn the correct way to respond, rather than just punishing her for doing wrong.
Discipline is a process–it will not happen overnight! But by instructing on a regular basis, teaching your child to recognize when they've missed the mark, and helping them "re-do" what they've done wrong, you are helping your child become self-disciplined. And the reward will be children who appreciate their parents for being parents!
Shannon is a youth pastor's wife and full-time mommy to two sweet girls. In addition to writing for ATFM, she teaches piano, writes for her own blog (Key MOMents) and volunteers at church and in the community.
