Parenting Mini-Series part 3: Rules vs. Relationship

So far in our series on Parenting, we’ve discussed Consistency and Discipline.  Today’s topic is the balance between Rules and Relationship…

I grew up in a relatively strict home.  We had more rules to follow than any of my friends did at the time (I was the girl at your birthday party who wasn’t allowed to watch the movie everyone else wanted to see).  But I honestly never minded being "that girl"—because I knew that my parents set those rules because they loved me.  I didn’t always like the rules, but I obeyed them out of respect for the two people I knew would walk through fire for me.

Balancing Act

Time and time again, seasoned parents have told me that this balance of "Rules vs. Relationship" is one of the most important aspects of parenting.  If there are too many rules and too little relationship, the child will often end up rebelling and grasping at freedom, but if there is too much of a "friendship-type" relationship, with too few boundaries, the child will learn how to manipulate for what he/she wants and may even rebel in order to figure out what the limits are.

This concept is not only true with teenagers—it’s also true with younger children.  For example, if I am constantly berating my school-aged son for his various failures, but I don’t ever encourage him or take interest in the things he enjoys, he will likely end up either treating me with disdain or living in fear of my criticism.  Conversely, if I am great at playing playdough and painting and tea parties with my three-year-old daughter, but I rarely tell her "no" or follow through with discipline, then I’m setting her up to be a spoiled brat!  Children need both boundaries and love, both a disciplinarian and an advocate—both rules and relationship. 

Rules, Rules, and more Rules!

If you’re wondering whether you’re a parent who perhaps focuses too much on the "rules" end of this balancing act, ask yourself the following questions:  When was the last time I just sat and talked with my child (with no particular "agenda" but just to spend time together)?  When my child breaks a rule, am I more upset that they undermined my authority or that they’ve broken trust?  Does my child tend to obey me just when I’m looking or do they truly have a heart that desires to please?

In my experience with teenagers over the years, I’ve heard a lot of complaints.  Complaints about the "unfair" rules their parents set, complaints about things their parents have said, even complaints about their parent’s hairstyles.  But I’ve never heard a teenager complain about their parents spending too much time with them.

There is nothing wrong with rules.  Children and teenagers—even adults—need them.  They remind us where our boundaries are and they keep our behavior in check.  The problem arises when we care more about our children following the rules than we care about our children themselves.  At one point I was counseling a teenage girl whose parents had so many rules, I felt like even I was going to eventually break one!  Sadly, however, these parents did not have a loving relationship with their child and she ended up rebelling against their strict standards.

Our purpose for setting rules should always have our child’s best interest at heart.  That’s not to say we should never have rules to protect our own needs (for example, it’s perfectly reasonable for a mom of three young children to make it a rule that no one is allowed in the bathroom when she’s occupying it!), but if the majority of our rules are based upon our own needs or our own agenda, then we may need to evaluate their true purpose.  They might be doing more harm than good.

Never Say "Never" (or "No" or "Not Now")

If you’re wondering whether you may focus a bit too much on the relationship side and neglect the rules, ask yourself these questions:  Do I worry about whether my child likes me or not?  When my child cries or is upset, do I tend to back down and give him what he wants?  When my child breaks a rule, do I follow through with discipline or do I "rationalize" her behavior away ("she was tired" or "she’s dealing with a lot right now")?  Does our family’s agenda revolve around our child/children or around what we as parents think is best for the family?

It isn’t really possible to have "too much relationship" with your child—you should be able to love on and spend as much time as you can with your children.  But it is possible to have too few boundaries.  If you let your child run the shots and make all the decisions, you could be headed for disaster.  It is important that, as parents, we make decisions—especially for young children—when it comes to our family and for our children as individuals.  You need to decide what particular decisions you will leave up to your child, suited to their age and competence (for example, what clothes to wear or which cereal to eat for breakfast) and what decisions will be left up to the parents (for example, children will eat dinner with the family or will go to bed at an appropriate hour).

When children are calling a majority of the shots, it can be overwhelming for them—even for teenagers.  A sense of almost panic sets in as they wonder "Who’s really in charge here?"  But if you can manage to set appropriate boundaries to coincide with a flourishing relationship, you will help your child feel a sense of security.  They may not always respond like they appreciate it, but they do!

In conclusion, it might be a good idea to take inventory of this "Rules vs. Relationship" balance in your home.  Have a frank discussion with your kids about this topic.  You might ask questions like, "Why do you think we set rules in our home?"  "How do you think we feel when you break a rule?" "What rules do you think are most important in our home?"  or "What/Who do you think is the most important thing in my life?"  Keep striving for an equal balance between the two elements.  And if your child ends up being the kid who goes to bed earlier than all of his friends…well, he might complain about it…but he’ll love you for it too.