So far in our parenting series, we’ve discussed consistency, the balance between rules and relationship, discipline, and making our home a haven for our family. This week we will discuss ways to integrate faith into family.
There are many varying beliefs concerning whether a child should be raised with or without faith. Some parents have chosen to let their child determine his/her own religion and offer very little guidance. Some parents send their children to schools of their religious affiliation, some attend church two or three times a week and pray together daily. Others have chosen to teach their children that there is no God and religion is unimportant. I’ve even heard of a set of parents who taught their daughter to talk to an "imaginary friend named God." Beliefs about family and faith are widely varied and often passionately upheld. However, for the sake of this article, because approximately 83% of Americans claim to belong to a specific religion, we will assume that our readers are of the mindset that they will raise their children with some type of faith.
A study completed by the Barna group a few years ago found that 85% of parents believe they have the primary responsibility for teaching their children about religious and spiritual matters, and 96% contend that they have the primary responsibility for teaching their children about values. However, the study also revealed that a majority of parents do not spend any time during a typical week discussing religious matters or studying religious materials with their children.
Doesn’t this seem like a bit of a contradiction? To say that we are responsible for teaching our children religion and values, but then to spend little or no time actually doing so only creates confusion in our children. We are sending them the message that faith is not actually important in real life. What we are demonstrating is that having faith means attending church a few times a year and trying to avoid committing any major "sins." No wonder so many teens and young adults leave their faith when they leave home. They view religion as one big hypocrisy.
The perfect example of this contradiction happened just last week while I was at the gym. I overheard two mothers talking as they walked on the treadmill about their frustration with their churches’ role in the spiritual growth of their children. One mom said with astonishment, "My kids don’t even know how to sing Jesus Loves Me!" It took everything in me to keep my mouth shut. This mother wanted her children to know about her faith, but she expected the teachers at her church (who probably have the child just an hour a week) to teach them everything!
So how do we teach our children that faith isn’t just about going to a certain church or ascribing to a certain set of moralistic standards? How do we train them up to be centered in their faith, so that they are truly impacted by it?
Well, for starters, we talk about it. Not just on one day of the week while sitting in a pew. We talk about it while we drive them to soccer practice, while we sit around the dinner table, and while we walk down the grocery aisle. If you’re not sure what to say, just start by telling them how your faith is important to you. Recall stories from your childhood—about church or about things your parents told you. Create a sense of history behind your faith. Explain that you didn’t just randomly pick it out of a hat filled with religious choices, and show them why you chose your faith and how it has impacted your life. Pray with your children—at meals, before they go to bed, and before they leave for school. As you pray with them you are revealing your dependence on your faith while at the same time teaching them how to pray!
Part of talking about faith is learning how to use it in teachable moments. When they are going through a trial, point them to God and show them how faith can be a source of hope and wisdom for them. When they are making a decision, teach them to integrate their faith into that process. And when they are full of joy and happiness, remind them to give thanks to God and return the blessings to others. Faith can also be useful in the discipline process. By appealing to a higher authority, you are reminding them of their responsibility to God and to others. There is much wisdom found in the old Proverbs, and by referencing them you can show your children that faith isn’t dry and boring, but it’s applicable to their lives.
Although talking about our faith is important, if it’s not reinforced by the way we live, the sense of hypocrisy will only grow stronger. If you simply instruct your child not to lie, but then he hears you tell the woman at the zoo check-in that he is under 12 (when he’s actually 13) so he can get in at the lower rate, which message do think resounds…that lying is wrong or that it’s okay to lie when it’s convenient? If you have told your child that it’s important to be generous, but when you see the girl scouts coming down the street you turn off the lights and hide, what do you think she’s actually learning…how to give sacrificially or how to avoid the obligation of giving?
Our children are constantly watching us. Who we are is a direct result of what we say and what we do. If your faith is truly important to you, then talk about it, teach it, and live it with your children. Make it part of your daily family life. As a wise man once said, "Teach it to your children, talk of it when you sit and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."
Shannon is a youth pastor's wife and full-time mommy to two sweet girls. In addition to writing for ATFM, she teaches piano, writes for her own blog (Key MOMents) and volunteers at church and in the community.
