All mothers have their differences: some use bottle, some use breast; some sleep with their kids, some think that’s just wrong; some spank, some think that’s just wrong; some cook organic, some cook Hamburger Helper; some don’t stress about their house, some obsess about their house; some keep schedules, some keep ant farms; some throw parties, some throw shoes.
But there is one thing that all mothers have in common: sometimes we scream.
Our family knows just what to do to make us lose it, too. They push all the right buttons and say all the right things: the one year old who smears poop from his diaper all over the crib, or the five year old who screams “I hate you!” after you spent all day focusing on meeting her needs, or the twelve year old who mouths off for the tenth time that hour. Or the husband who walks in the door and starts complaining about the toys everywhere when all we’ve done all day is clean up after everyone else’s mess. And we lose it.
The filter flies off, the temperature rises, the volume increases, and we start-a-screamin’. “Who do you think you are!? I’m the only one who does anything around here! I can’t take it anymore! Why don’t you all just fend for yourselves! Make your own dinner and clean up your own mess!”
Slam! Escape to the bedroom (or the bathrom…or anywhere with a door that locks).
The ironic thing about screaming is that it’s always followed by guilt. We scream because we’re upset, but then screaming only makes us more upset! All the moms I’ve talked to and the books I’ve read on anger prove that this result is inevitable. No one actually feels better following a bout of yelling. So how do we keep from losing it in the first place?
The first step is to make sure we are taking care of our bodies. If our physical needs aren’t met, then we will automatically be on edge. A good night’s sleep, proper nutrition and exercise can make all the difference. Easier said then done, though, right? Between jobs, errands, cooking, laundry, soccer practice, cleaning, piano lessons, and bills, it’s easy to lose sight of the simple things. But those simple things do make a huge difference. If you’re cooking breakfast for everyone else, please cook up an egg and piece of toast for yourself! You DO have time. Because by taking the few moments to provide those “simple things” for yourself, you’re making sure you’re a better mom for your kids. Don’t let self-neglect become a pattern. Make habits for yourself, like carrying a water bottle with you wherever you go or waking up half an hour earlier to walk on the treadmill or do yoga.
Secondly, we need to check our attitudes. Think about the difference between saying to yourself “Everyone treats me like their slave” verses “I’m so thankful I have four healthy kids.” Our thought processes affect our actions, so by repeating positive phrases in place of negative ones, we are completing our tasks with a sense of joy and peace rather than obligation and dread. When you find yourself thinking thoughts such as, “I can’t take it anymore,” try changing your mindset to “I’m thankful for my health so that I can provide for my family.” Or when you start thinking, “I can’t stand my husband right now,” force yourself to remember something that attracts you to him or something you appreciate about him. Saying things like, “I’m thankful I can stay home with my kids,” or “I’m so blessed to have this house,” or “I want to be a helper to my husband” can impact our daily lives.
Next, work on noticing when you’re about to lose your cool. Think of your emotions like a stop light— you’re normally in the green, but when you feel yourself move into the yellow, before you get to the red, which is the “freak out” stage — remove yourself from the situation. Literally, physically, get out. Instead of locking yourself in the bathroom or bedroom after you lose it, why not do it before? It may help to tell your family prior to initiating this tactic that this is what you’re trying to do, so they aren’t left wondering why you’ve suddenly stopped chopping carrots and bolted to your bedroom. Sometimes just removing ourselves from the situation, even just for two or three minutes, helps bring us back to reality and reminds us of how we hate to freak out. Take this time to pray or to repeat some of the positive phrases listed above. And don’t leave until you’re ready to re-enter with a good attitude.
Finally, despite all your best efforts, you’re bound to lose it again at some point in your life. So when it does happen, apologize quickly. Don’t let tension ruin your home. Even if everyone is taking you for granted or if you were justified in your complaint, it’s never okay to treat others disrespectfully or with disdain. So when you apologize, don’t qualify your apology with, “I’m sorry BUT you shouldn’t have said that to me,” because that’s not really even an apology. Simply say, “I’m sorry I treated you that way.” You can discuss the other person’s actions or words at a later date.
By taking care of our physical needs, keeping our attitudes in check, and removing ourselves before we see “red”, we can ward off screaming one day at a time. Ragin’ Mommas unite! Together we can make the world…well…a quieter place.
Shannon is a youth pastor's wife and full-time mommy to two little girls. In addition to writing for ATFM, she works as a part-time children’s ministry director, teaches piano, and writes for her own blog (Key MOMents).
