Father’s Day, that all-out American day to tell Dad just how much he means to us, is just around the corner. For many it will mean gifts for Dad, a phone call home, grilling on the patio, a trip down Memory Lane or taking Dad somewhere special. However, it’s easy in the busyness of yet another holiday to forget our friends and loved ones who might be struggling with feelings of loss. Father’s Day is not a celebration for everyone. For some, this day will be filled with pain, grief and the reminder of striking loss. Many men who have experienced the pain of a divorce, a wife’s miscarriage, infertility, the death or estrangement of a child and anyone who has lost their father wishes that they could just rip that day off of the calendar. Perhaps you are keenly aware of someone in your life for whom Father’s Day will be a struggle but you aren’t quite sure how to help. Whether they’ve experienced loss through death or through family turmoil, your friend or family member will be experiencing some form of grief, particularly on that day. Here are a few suggestions for reaching out and helping them to cope with their loss.
It’s Okay
Sometimes we aren’t sure what to say or we’re afraid of an awkward emotional encounter so we just don’t say anything at all, often to the point of ignoring the person. It’s okay to acknowledge their grief and talk to them about it. Ask your friend or family member if he would mind you asking questions about the situation and his feelings. Let him know that you are open to his expression of emotions but don’t pry. Stick to listening and using leading questions (How are you feeling since your Dad died? Have you been sleeping well since Meg’s miscarriage?). Steer clear of platitudes (It’ll all turn out alright! God has a plan! At least you have your other kids) and unsolicited advice (You know it’s really time you pack up your son’s things and donate them). If your friend or family member is not ready to talk about his feelings just let him know that you are available to talk if he chooses and that you’d love to hear stories about his family.
Provide Practical Help
Often the smallest gesture, just knowing that someone is thinking about him, can mean so much to a grieving person. Give him a call or send a card with a personal, hand-written note on Father’s Day just to let him know that you’ve been thinking about him. Take him a meal, a small and meaningful gift or invite him to your Father’s Day celebration or even just out to coffee. However, take your cue from your friend. If he declines or does not acknowledge your efforts, do not be offended. Each person deals with grief differently and at their own pace. The important thing is that you made the effort. You cannot control the response.
Offer Continued Support
Grief can come and go in waves. One day the grieving person may be upbeat and optimistic, the next he could be at his lowest point. Check in on your friend frequently and continue to offer support as he is willing to accept it. Do not rush his grieving process. Depending on the circumstances, the process can take a very long time. If, however, you notice your friend appears to be spiraling downward. It would be appropriate to suggest counseling and even offer to attend a session with him, if that would make him feel more comfortable. The following are warning signs of severe depression:
- Inability to function in daily life
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Hallucinations
- Withdrawal
- Talking about suicide or dying
- An inability to enjoy life
- Excessive guilt, bitterness or anger
Children
Father’s Day can be particularly hard on a child whose father has died or is no longer involved in their family. It is important to maintain an open line of communication with the child about their grief, especially around the holidays. Encourage him or her to express their feelings in a way that is comfortable and appropriate – drawing pictures depicting their emotions or memories, running or exercising to relieve frustration or anger, screaming into a pillow and writing in a journal are all helpful suggestions. Taking your children away for the holiday on a special excursion can also help to distract them from overwhelming emotions. The child needs to know, though, that it is okay for him or her to discuss with you the myriad of confusing emotions they are experiencing. You may not have all of the answers but an understanding and reassuring hug and your continued interest in their well-being can make all the difference.
It takes effort to think outside of ourselves and reach out to those around us but your kind and selfless caring could be just what a wounded heart needs on a difficult day.
Kim is a Worship Pastor’s wife and full-time mom to four crazy and beautiful kids. Toss in a part-time job, housework, a blog (http://www.fishbowlliving.com) and what passes for a social life these days and she’s still wondering how she fits 32 hours into a 24 hour day.
