Want a great relationship?

Especially once kids enter the picture, continuing to date your spouse isn't easy. After all, there are childcare issues, cost for dinner, busy schedules, and what will we talk about once we get there? But marriage experts agree that dating your spouse is vital to the health of your marriage.

How many of us married our spouse so we'd have a roomate, an assistant in raising kids? Nobody wanted that for their life! And yet that's what many marriages become without careful maintenance. As a mom, I start feeling like a kitchen appliance, not a woman. There's the dishwasher, the stove, the mom... A date night reminds me that I'm valuable just as a person, not for what I do, but because I'm loved.

So, let's address the issues. Childcare is always a biggie, especially for people who do not live close to family. Finding someone you trust to stay with your kids takes time and careful consideration. Many times the oldest teenage sibling of a large family is very responsible and experienced, and would be happy to make a little extra money. Maybe you know an older couple in your neighborhood who would love some surrogate grandkids for the evening? Maybe you have some friends with similar child-raising philosophy and you can chat about trading date nights? Usually if you give it some thought, you do know people who can babysit. Yes it can be uncomfortable to ask, but if they have kids chances are they would be happy to trade - all parents need and wish for breaks!

Dinner cost is another issue. But you don't have to go to an expensive restaurant for a date. Some of our most memorable dates were to a local fast food place. It's still relaxing to sit at Wendy's with no kids! Or, pack a picnic and go to a park. Or just bring sack dinners, eat in the car, and go for a walk somewhere. It doesn't have to be complex - just focused time with just the two of you.

How do you schedule it? You make it a priority. Just like anything that is important, you may have to turn down less important things in favor of a more important thing. Growing up, we knew that Monday night was my parents' date night. Nothing else was scheduled that evening, and we kids could count on a quick dinner, a rented movie, and time with a sitter. It was routine for us, but for them it was a lifeline! 

And finally, what do you talk about? Discussing money and kids is sometimes a necessity, but it doesn't really build loving intimacy between husband and wife. There are many resources that have been written to help launch conversation. Here are just a few:

Kissing and Cooking for Couples

Love Talk Starters

Love Talks for Couples

Talk That Matters

Couple Talk

Food for Talk

Intimacy: A 100-day Guide to Lasting Relationships

Or, if a book like this isn't your style, pick a novel to read together and discuss. Rekindle a hobby you used to enjoy together, "pre-kids."  Find a place to start. It is possible to re-create the relationship you wanted from the beginning.

One more thing: what if your spouse isn't interested? I know that many marriages are hurting these days. So, do something they want to do. Some husbands might shy away from reading a conversation book on date night, but be thrilled with the idea of going to a baseball or football game. So, go sit together. Chances are, conversation will result, and you might just find you enjoy it too! Or, if the idea of a book is uncomfortable for him, read one of these books on your own and use some of the ideas without making it obvious to him. Even after kids, the reasons you enjoyed being together from the start are still there - they may just need to be reawakened. 

Start working on it today - your marriage is important, and date nights are relaxing and fun!